Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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