Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
These tits shall not be calmed
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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