I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
