Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
