he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
