I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
