i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
