like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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