Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
