Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
