someone threw a dead crab at me
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
