Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
