College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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