Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
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Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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