i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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