After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he thought i was a dude.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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