i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
