it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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