Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
