Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
