fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
