the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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