Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
