She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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