Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
