So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
