his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
