I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
