Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
