I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
