I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think my moral compass just broke
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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