You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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