Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
