somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
