Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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