i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
