My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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