I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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