I met the friendliest cop last night
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
