WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
