He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
