Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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