how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
