Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
