Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
