so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize