i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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