new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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