Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
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I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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