She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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