Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
