I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
