I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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