The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
