found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
