Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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