she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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