I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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