so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
