Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
