BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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