even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
