C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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