I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sober January is a disaster.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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