my being single is dangerous.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
