Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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