at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His hands were made for my vagina.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
